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The night was cold and lonely. Darkness as far as the eye could see. It was the perfect metaphor. The perfect way to describe the way he felt.
Chris stood at the window as he did almost every night staring out into the darkness that surrounded him. Except the darkness wasn't just outside. It was inside as well. He could feel the darkness just as well within his heart as he could see it in the night.
Time had only changed one thing. The date. Nothing about the way he felt was any different tonight than it had been the night Julie had abandoned him. Chris didn't know why he expected Julie to be any different. She was a manipulator and he had known that when he married her. He just hadn't planned on being one of her marks.
Chris could feel the cold air outside seeping through the glass window pane and shivered instinctively. He took a step back and looked around the room. He had enjoyed so many moments with Julie here. They'd held each other while watching television. They'd made plans together. They'd put together an intricate future together. Then Julie had made a life altering decision regarding their future....alone.
He was meant to live his life alone, and that was becoming a fact that he felt as well as knew. He'd had his heart broken one too many times as if one wasn't enough. He had to mask what he was feeling and be his strong untouchable self though. That was the only way he'd be able to survive another heartbreak.
The months since Julie had left has passed slowly. At first, the time had passed by too quickly, putting too much distance between himself and Julie. Then the time had felt like it was terribly slow....painfully slow. It was taking much too long to get past the pain, to move beyond the heartbreak.
Chris looked down as his pager began to beep in the same familiar and oddly consoling melody. He pressed a button and saw the number for the hospital. He picked up his jacket and bag before leaving to go to the hospital which had become his refuge.
Work had become the great consolation. He'd spent more hours at the hospital since Julie had left than he'd spent there during his years as an intern. He didn't particularly think it was healthy, but it was something that dulled the pain. After spending the first week or two drowning the agony in martinis, it became useless in doing the job he's intended it for.
Chris stepped into the emergency room and saw Eve standing at the desk. He walked up to the desk and sighed, "Why was I called?"
"Your patient, Mr. Robbins, went into cardiac arrest. He didn't make it. I thought you'd want to talk to his family," Eve said as she watched Chris's eyes, "Chris, you need to get some rest."
"Thanks, Eve," Chris said as he took the file from her hand and walked down the hall. He stopped in the on-call room long enough to pick up his lab coat and drop off his things. He slipped into his lab coat as he walked down the hall to the waiting area where he saw Mrs. Robbins sitting with her daughters. He hated this. He hated this part of medicine.
"Mrs. Robbins," He spoke as he took a tentative step forward.
"Dr. Ramsey," The old lady said looking up at the younger doctor with hope in her eyes, "How is he? How's my Ronald?"
"Mrs. Robbins," He said as he sat down on the coffee table in front of her. He placed the chart beside him on the table and met her eyes, "Your husband went into cardiac arrest at nine fifteen. We did everything within our abilities to resuscitate him, but there was nothing we could do. Mr. Robbins died. I'm sorry."
"No," She shook her head, "No, no," She began to cry as the daughters circled round her. The family gathered together in their grief as they cried.
Chris sat silent, allowing the family a moment to hold onto one another. If he was a doctor for fifty years, this part would never be any easier. Watching people in their time of grief knowing that you were the bearer of bad news, it always weighed heavy on the heart. Honestly, he hoped that he never lost the ability to feel in moments like this.
"Mrs. Robbins, is there anything I can do for you? Anyone you or your family would like me to call?" Chris asked, going through the motions that seemed all too familiar.
"Dr. Ramsey," The old lady spoke as she wiped tears from her eyes, "Can I see him?"
"Of course you can, Mrs. Robbins," He nodded, "I can take you to his room," He spoke as he stood. The daughters helped their mother to her feet and assisted her down the hall to the room. The family stepped inside the room and Chris watched them as they looked over the body of their loved one. Mrs. Robbins reached out to touch her husband's cool skin and she spoke in a whisper to him with the simple words I love you.
Chris felt his chest tighten as he watched them. He knew from several conversations with the family that the Robbins had been married for fifty years. How anyone could love another person and hold onto them for that many years was beyond him. He wished he could understand how people could feel a love so deeply that nothing could separate them. He wished he could feel a love that profound.
The Robbins family
took their moments of grieving before walking down the hall of the hospital
to leave. Chris watched them on their way out and felt helpless for
them. He realize part of that helplessness was for himself.
Rachel smiled as she pushed open the door to Kevin's office. It was time for another ten rounds with her favorite whipping boy. He'd gotten away with far too much in his life, but she was not going to allow him to get away with Grace's death. He would be punished if it was the last thing she ever did.
Kevin looked up from his desk, and immediately his features darkened. What had he done to deserve this? He hadn't killed Grace. He was sure of that. So why couldn't he convince Rachel that he had in no way hurt her sister?
"Rachel, what exactly don't you understand about the concept of knocking before entering?"
"We are way beyond pleasantries, Kevin. There is no civility between us, and I don't think we should pretend. I think it's time for the truth."
"The truth, Rachel? What truth would that be? Are you going to try to ruin another special occasion in my life?"
Rachel grinned with an arctic freeze in her eyes, "It's no more than you deserve. You stole all of Grace's special occasions from her when you murdered her."
"I did not murder Grace," Kevin said with anger as he stood from his desk, bracing himself against his desk in a defensive posture, "She tried to kill me....not the other way round."
"What exactly did it take to convince yourself that you weren't responsible? How many nights did you go over this story in your head just so you wouldn't be held to blame?"
"I underwent hypnosis, Rachel. You do remember hypnosis, don't you?"
"And you remember that hypnosis is only as good as the one asking the questions, don't you, Kevin?" She smiled coldly, "And even you remember that hypnosis isn't reliable if you're not willing to go deep into the heart of the truth."
"Rachel, I don't know what you think you can accomplish by this. I am confident that I did not place Grace in danger."
"Well I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm very sure that you killed her. You have just as much killer instinct as Ryan did."
Kevin stiffened at the mention of Ryan as he stood straight, pushing himself away from the desk and ready to lead the charge in a new fight. He was not Ryan and had fought for years to make sure he could differentiate himself from his twin. He did not take kindly at all to the comparison, "I am not like Ryan in any way."
"On the contrary, Kevin," Rachel said in a calm and calculated manner, "I think you're more like Ryan than you want to believe."
Kevin was just about to lob a barrage of defenses toward Rachel when a knock arose at the door, "Who is it?"
Gail opened the door slowly and peaked her head inside, "May I speak with you?" She asked calmly as she saw Rachel and smiled, "Both of you actually."
"Of course, Gail," Kevin said taking one step back.
"What can I do for you Gail?" Rachel asked switching gears as if the previous animosity between she and Kevin hadn't been so thick in the air moments before.
"There's a psychiatric conference that will be taking place in Houston, Texas next weekend. I know this is short notice but I would like it very much if the two of you could attend as representatives of General Hospital," Gail started, "I know the two of you have some issues you need to deal with. However, this will last most of the day and you won't have to deal with one another other than the conference."
Rachel glared across at Kevin then smiled as she looked back to Gail, "Of course I'll attend, Gail. In fact I'm quite honored that you'd ask me to attend."
"Of course I'd ask you to attend, Rachel. You're one of our finest doctors."
"Thank you, Gail," Rachel smiled brightly, "I'm sure Kevin and I can get along long enough for the conference."
"Yes, of course," Kevin replied coldly as he watched Rachel as if he were calculating how to take down his prey.
Rachel gave Kevin one last hateful glare before excusing herself from the office and leaving him alone with Gail.
Gail watched the door as it clicked closed behind Rachel. She slowly turned back to Kevin with a pensive look upon her face, "I interrupted something, didn't I?"
"Just another one of Rachel's attempts to blame me for the death of her sister," Kevin sighed feeling as if he could let down the concrete guard he'd erected upon Rachel's entrance to his office.
"Kevin, I think it's time you two came to terms with this. I know it won't be pleasant, but you both have issues you could deal with if you had the help of the other. Help her deal with her grief over Grace and let her help you deal with the guilt you harbored for years."
"Gail, I don't know if that's possible, and to be honest, I'm not certain that I'd be willing to help her with anything. She's done nothing but try to destroy me since she arrived in Port Charles."
"Kevin, she's in pain. I think you could help her if you tried. And I think she could help you if you'd let her."
"The only thing Rachel Locke is interested in helping me with is perhaps figuring a way of killing myself."
"Kevin," Gail chastised.
"Okay," Kevin sighed, "I'll consider the possibility. That's all I can do, because I'm not ready to forgive her for what she's done to me."
"You should consider that when you chastise her for the way she feels about Grace's death," She reminded, "All I'm asking is that you at least try to see this from a doctor's point of view in order to get things in perspective."
She smiled one last
time in her gentle motherly way before stepping out the door to leave Kevin
with his thoughts.
Karen stepped into the Recovery Room and immediately wished she hadn't. Joe was sitting at the bar with Jill swooning all over him. It was a sight that almost made her vomit. She guessed that she couldn't blame Jill for wanting Joe but did she have to be so obvious? Ugh, she wanted to slap her and tell her to grow up.
"Careful there, Doctor. You wouldn't be a wee bit jealous, now would you?" Ian asked with a whisper in her ear.
She almost jumped out of her skin. But she wasn't quite sure if it was the shock of him being behind her or if it was just the fact that he was standing so close to her. She turned to look at him and gave him a burning glare.
"What are you talking about? I just got here."
"Sure you did," Ian said skeptically and with a smile evident in his voice, "That's why you were giving Joe a look like you could eat him whole."
"Ian!" She said in anger, "Would you just shut up?"
"Fine. Be in denial," He shrugged, "It's completely up to you, Love," He said stepping past her, brushing her arm as he passed by.
Karen shivered as he went by, and she almost felt her heart skip a beat. Why was he doing this to her? Why did he have to make her go through this? And what was she thinking going through this with him of all people? Had she lost her mind?
She stalked right over to his table and sat down beside him, "What right do you have to tell me what I can or cannot feel?" She asked the words and then wondered what has possessed her to sit at his table. Why did she want to continue this?
Ian smiled at her and watched her, "I didn't tell you could or couldn't feel whatever. I just told you that you were being obvious."
"Obvious?" She asked feeling strange that she'd been accused of what she'd been thinking about Jill, "How dare you."
"I dare because it's the truth, Karen," He spoke her name and smiled at how beautiful her name sounded from his lips, "You still care about him."
"I do not," She defended adamantly, "I will not let you sit there and let you think that you know how I feel. You have no idea how I feel."
He grinned, "Well then why do you keep reacting just how I figure you for?"
"What is that suppose to mean?" She asked glaring at him.
"Your cheeks get rosy and your breathing quickens. You get upset and I have to say that I'm impressed. I didn't figure you for the type that would hold on for dear life."
"The type?" She asked in an offended manner, "Just exactly who do you think you are? I'm not any type, Dr. Thornheart, and I think it's time for someone to put you in your place."
"And you figure you're the one to do it, eh?" He inquired with a grin, "By all means, please do."
She looked at him and watched that grin. She watched that smile slowly creep across his lips and she wanted to......oh no....not that...anything but that. She looked away before shouting at him, "Go to hell, Ian. You are the most egotistical, arrogant, self-righteous.....Ugh!" She groaned before pushing away from the table and walking determinedly out of the small bar.
Ian sat back in his
chair and chuckled as he tossed a few peanuts into his mouth. Karen
Wexler was growing more intriguing by the day. It was a little unsettling
what he felt when she walked into a room, but it was also a something he
looked forward to. He knew something had just begun between them
and he was interested in the possibilities of what that something could
be.
Chris sat in the on-call room updating his patient files on the computer. The door opened and Eve stepped inside. She looked over at him and frowned, crossing her arms, "Chris.."
"Don't start, Eve," He said as he stood from his chair and walked to the coffee pot to refill his mug.
"Chris, come on. Talk to me. You've been bottled up like this for months, and I hate to tell you this, but it's starting to take it's toll on your good looks. You're not quite looking like you're on top of your game here."
"Good ole Eve," He smiled sarcastically, "I can always count on you for a compliment," He said as he finished pouring his cup of coffee.
"Chris, I'm serious here. You're not sleeping, are you?" She asked stepping into his path.
"Well, it's a little hard when the body you had beside you is gone," He spoke honestly for a moment before covering with more sarcasm, "You wouldn't happen to know where I could rent one, would you?"
"Chris, that is not funny," She said placing her hands on her hips.
"It was a little funny," He shrugged as he looked at her and sipped his coffee.
"Chris, you need to do something now. Take a break. Get some rest. You are not doing anyone any good."
"Eve, I have a responsibility to my patients."
"You have a responsibility to yourself. Or did you forget that you were looking out for number one?"
"I haven't forgotten. I'm doing what I want to do, not what you want or Kevin wants or Rachel wants or Boardman or anyone else in this hospital," Chris snapped, "So if you don't mind, just back off."
"I do mind, Chris. I care about you and I'm trying to help you, but you won't let me."
"Save it, Eve. You're not sorry Julie's gone, only that she took Christina with her so your dear friends Scott and Lucy wouldn't be upset...oh yes," Chris added on with his pain rushing to the surface, "And your husband of course. I forgot that convenient fact that he's Christina's god father." He shrugged, "You don't give a damn about the fact that I loved her. You never even believed me when I told you what I felt. I don't think you ever believe anything I tell you so don't you dare stand there and try to tell me that you care. It's painfully obvious that you don't."
"Chris, that is not fair. I have been right beside you since Julie left."
"Right there, Eve," He said moving his fingers as if he could pluck her words from the air, "That's the problem. It's only been since Julie left. You couldn't be my friend as long as I had the woman I loved, but you're more than happy to be my loving generous kind and caring friend once she's gone. That's not good enough, Eve."
"Chris, I was always there for you," She tried to argue.
"Oh really? I don't think so. You couldn't even tell me that you were getting married. I find your statement of friendship to be a little farfetched if you couldn't even bring yourself to tell me that you were getting married. That's a pretty big moment in a person's life, but you couldn't even tell me let alone invite me to your wedding. I think that said it all, Eve."
"Chris....I didn't want Julie there," She said firmly.
"And I didn't want to be locked in a closet on my wedding day either, Eve. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't come to your wedding. I could have voiced my complete distaste at how utterly nauseating the two of you are together."
"Chris, there is no reason for you to turn on me," Eve said stepping back feeling tears building in her eyes, "You have no reason to take this out on me."
"On the contrary, Eve, I have every reason to take this out on you. You did everything you could to discredit, Julie, and to ruin her life all over again. You were no better to her than Greg Cooper. You got your second chance despite what you were in your past. You never even gave Julie that option. So don't stand here and act like you're so innocent. You drove her out of town and out of my life!" He said feeling the full force of the months of pain behind his words, "So I'll appreciate it if you stay out of mine now that she's gone," He said with finality as he set his mug down and walked out of the on-call room.
Eve stood there, still
shocked by the brutality of Chris's statements. Had she really been
so instrumental in making Chris so miserable? Had she played that
big a part in destroying her best friend? She felt a tear escape
her lashes and she straightened her spine, determined to make it up to
Chris...somehow.
Gabriella walked down the hall of the hospital and sighed as she stepped into yet another patient's room to check on bandages. She was just going through the motions now, having lost her initial gusto for the job over a month ago. Nursing used to be a passion for her, especially right out of school. She'd wanted so much to help people, but somewhere along the way that passion had been lost amongst the rushing and orders and paperwork and shifts upon shifts upon shifts.
After changing bandages for the umpteenth time, she left the room and filed the chart back at the nurse's station. She walked out of the hospital and onto the roof to catch her breath. She needed a moment to remember why she was doing this in the first place. She looked out over the city and felt a soft breeze blow through her hair, "How did I get here?"
A few months ago, everything seemed possible. Joe seemed like a nice guy, he seemed like a definite possibility. They were having fun together, and then....then he just changed. Boom, overnight and she was no longer even worthy of friendship for a few weeks. Then finally she became deserving of friendship once more, but that was as far as it had gone. Why had she suddenly become so untouchable to him?
She sighed, maybe it was for the best. She needed time to get into her work, to really get into the swing of things. But after all this time, nursing wasn't what it first was to her. She walked across the roof and sat on the ledge, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She heard the door swing open and slowly glanced over to see Chris standing there.
She looked away from him and sighed. yet another mistake she'd made. Well, almost made. Gabriella had gone out with him a few times and had the time of her life, but it soon became obvious to her that he was still very much in love with his wife.
"Gabriella," Chris said, trying to break the icy chill in the air. He watched her hair blow away from her face gently and he was reminded of how beautiful she was. Why hadn't he been able to capitalize on the chance he'd had with her? Once again that ever haunting answer came back to him. Julie.
"Chris," Gabriella said with a smile as she looked back at him, forcing herself to be cheerful, "What are you doing out here?"
"I needed a minute to get myself together. A patient of mine died."
"Mr. Robbins. I heard. I'm sorry, Chris."
He shrugged, "I wasn't here at the time."
"But I know you were hoping he'd pull through. He was doing so good."
"Isn't that the way things always work? Things go so good, perfectly....magical even and then, when you least expect it......the bottom falls out."
Gabriella looked back to him and frowned, "Yeah, I guess it does. It's not fair, is it?"
"No, it's not. But life is rarely fair."
"That's why you don't play fair, isn't it?" She asked, "I mean....I've noticed that you don't mind breaking rules to get what you want."
"Does that bother you?" He asked slipping his hands into his pockets as he began to feel cold.
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to. Most people don't like me for that fact."
"I like you Chris."
He looked back to her and smiled, "Well, you can count yourself amongst a proud few."
"Some people just can't see in you what I see."
He watched her for a moment as she stepped towards him, "And just what do you see?"
"A man who loved very deeply and was hurt even deeper."
Chris frowned as he turned his back to her, "That's not exactly true."
Gabriella stepped closer to him and touched his arm, "Yes it is. She hurt you, Chris. You don't have to hide this way, not from me. I'm not going to hurt you."
"That's what she said," He said turning back to face her. He looked into her dark eyes, slightly shadowed by the darkness of night. The light from the security lights barely glimmered in her eyes and he watched them for a moment, "I can't do this, Gabi."
"Chris, you don't have to keep this locked up. You can talk to me. Please," She said reaching out to touch his cheek, feeling the warmth of his skin under her fingertips, "I won't expect anything from you. I just want to be your friend."
Chris caged her hand to his cheek as he gazed into her eyes, "I don't have any friends."
"You're wrong. You do have one. Me. Let me help you. I know that you're a proud man, Chris. You don't want anyone to know that you're in pain, but I can see it and I can almost feel it. All I want to do is help you through this. Can't you let me do that much?" She asked half-smiling at him, "I'll be your friend."
Chris reached out to
touch her cheek gently and nodded, "Just this once I suppose I could use
a friend."
Eve walked back down the hall of GH and frowned as she leaned against the nurse's station. How had she lost her friend, the one true friend she had ever had to call her own? Why did she make him feel that way? And why on earth couldn't she take those things back?
She heard the voices of a man and woman outside the doors of the ER. The yelling was getting louder and louder by the moment. Eve's curiosity got the better of her and she approached the door with a purpose. She pushed the door open and saw the cabbie waving his hands in an irate manner.
"You will pay.....now!" The cabbie shouted once more.
"Pay? You almost killed me you moron! You call that driving? Where did you learn something like that? Dr. Chuckles School for Idiots?"
Eve recognized the voice as she went forward getting closer to the pair as they argued.
"Look, lady. I get my money or you're going to be real glad that we're at the emergency room."
"Take your best shot, Pal," She seethed as she took a step towards him aggressively.
"Hey, hey, hold it," Eve said stepping in between the two, "Shelly, stop this now!"
"Eve!" Shelly squealed as she saw her big sister. She threw her hands around Eve and hugged her tightly, "I'm here to see you."
"Well, just pay this guy and then you can visit me all you like," Eve said trying to reason with her sister.
"Pay him? Eve, you didn't see how this moron drives. He almost hit a semi, two motorcycles, and a BMW. The man shouldn't have a license," Shelly argued.
"Fine," Eve said pulling out a large bill and putting it into the man's hand, "This should cover it plus a little extra for putting up with her."
"Thanks for nothing," The cabbie said in disgust before he walked back to his cab and left.
"Why the hell did you do that?!" Shelly shouted, "You didn't see what this guy was like. He didn't deserve any money much less a tip."
"Shelly, why don't you tell me what possessed you to come out here in the first place?" Eve said directing her sister back towards the hospital.
"What? I can't come visit my big sister?"
"You can, but you usually call ahead."
"Well, just this once, I thought I'd stop by unannounced. Seeing as how I haven't heard from you in like forever and when I finally get some information about you at all...lo and behold, you up and got married."
"Shelly, I tried to get in touch with you."
"That's a lie Eve, but I'm here to straighten all of this out. I want to know about this husband of yours and I'm going to seriously injure him for having you under this kind of control. You would have called me if you could have. Why are you married to such a freak like this?"
"Shelly, it's not what you think. Things just moved along so quickly that..."
"Don't give me that, Eve. We always promised to be there for each other because our parents weren't. And now you've gotten married and didn't invite me? I know this guy is to blame and I want blood."
"Shelly, stop it," Eve said grabbing her sister's arm and holding her firmly, "Kevin is the best thing that ever happened to me and you will not say anything harsh to him."
"If he's so great, why wouldn't you share him with me? Why couldn't I be part of the family still? Why shut me out? Is it me? You're suddenly ashamed of me?"
"No, that's not it at all. I just got caught up in getting married to him."
"Like always....But.." Shelly shook her head, "You've never left me out. No matter how caught up in your own life, you never left me out. Why now? What makes this guy so special?"
"He's just a wonderful man, Shelly. You'll understand when you meet him. Kevin is the most wonderful man you're ever going to meet and I feel very lucky to have him for my husband."
"Why does this sound like something out of a romance novel? Like some contrived mushy crap that I wouldn't bother to pick up on the newsstand?"
"If you're going to have that attitude, you can just go home, right now, Shelly," Eve warned, "I won't have you trivializing this."
"Do you really want to know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of those Jerry Springer shows where the women are always trying to convince themselves that their lives are perfect. I can't wait to meet this loser now. Where is he?" Shelly said with a smile as she crossed her arms, "Face it, Eve. I'm not going anywhere. Not until I find out exactly what's going on here to make you so different."
"Shelly."
"No arguments Eve," She smiled, "I'm here to stay."
Eve let out a frustrated breath of air as she knew that Shelly was going to be nothing but trouble for her during her stay.